I used to think
I had the answers to everything,
But now I know
Life doesn't always go my way.
Feels like I'm caught in the middle
That's when I realise...
I was more sure about who I am then than I am now. I've always set goals, always planned ahead. Taking calculated risks and making sure that there's always a backup plan. At fifteen, I knew what I wanted, knew what would make me happy and worked towards it. Thinking I've got my future more or less figured out. If someone were to tell me that one day I would get caught in the middle - the grey area - I would've lightly brushed them off. I for one could very much do without the complicated in-betweens and just stick with the simple, straight forward.
In these recent years, things have become less black and white. Things happened, life happened, things changed, people change, I've adapted and I've changed. Fifteen-year-old Vanessa would probably use some choice words on current Vanessa. The current Vanessa would just shake her head and smile at her antics. Vanessa of 2013 differed from Vanessa of 2014. Even in the short span of the last seven months, having to deal with school, family, anxiety, graduating, contemplating on happiness, an existential crisis, life ahead and literally death (grandma's passing) resulted in the Vanessa of August, which definitely differed from the Vanessa in January. All I can say is, I've learned that change is inevitable.
Coming to terms with the fact that change is inevitable isn't easy. In some ways, it makes me uncomfortable. Not knowing what tomorrow may bring or what may be taken away scares me. However, with my grandma's passing, I've witness that life is fragile and short. Too short. Too short to waste and that I should learn to say "bring on anything", embrace the new, embrace the unknown and embrace change. But I'm not there yet, not even close. Having to wrap my head around these concepts took time and to grasp it is going to take even longer.
I may not know what I want for now, but what I do know is that I want to be happier, healthier, more courageous, more confident, kinder and to never take things for granted. The list would get longer and I sure hope so. As with every step, I would be one step closer to finding what I love and ultimately want in life.
Hey guys, I'm officially back! It's 3rd August yet it's my first blog post of 2014. Fail. It's been a year and a half since the last time I posted. I initially thought I was just going to take a short break, get my final semester for my diploma done and get back to blogging. A short break then slowly turn into a long time, and little did I know I've attained a diploma and a degree. *well technically just a diploma as the convocation for my degree is in September*
After a year and a half hiatus, I've become a little nervous to blog again. Besides the fact that I constantly overload my brain with overthinking, I come to realise that I put a lot of pressure on myself when it comes to blog content. I feel like I can't return with just a product review or haul. You guys wouldn't believe how many times I've written, delete and re-write this exact post. Not to mention other posts that I've whipped up when I was in school, then overthink and end up deleting it in fear that they were done in a rush and weren't good enough. See, perfashionism right there! Being a perfectionist is such a bad trait of mine and it drives me crazy. Can't even imagine how it is for the people around me witnessing it.
I need to learn not to worry about it and just write what I want to write about. Which was exactly what I did for this post, and to be honest, it's liberating and I see myself doing more of these "life update" kind of posts in the future. It's not my usual kind of post and I believe some of you might not like it, it being too deep and sappy. And well let's be honest, not many is concerned with a life update of a random person now do they? Not to worry though as I still do enjoy writing about, fashion, beauty and my travels. And I would most certainly do so. I already have a few planned! Also, I would continue with my Korea trip entries even though it's long overdue *good thing I wrote down all my thoughts and happenings when I was in Korea* It might not happen consecutively as I do want to have varied posts in between but please do look forward to it.
Most importantly, I would like to add that this is a fresh start. Things changed but writing has always been a constant in my life and I still love it. Therefore, I'm going to be making the most out of it. I'm finally out of the mandatory educational system, free of reigns and given total control of my life. I'll be writing, writing a new chapter.